I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
