in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
