i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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