im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
