i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
