I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
