It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
