If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
