I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
