my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
