i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
