Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
