I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
