My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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