I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
