Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
