I only kidnapped one of them. chill
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
