her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
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Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
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She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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