ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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