I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
