Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
