Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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