Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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