im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
