Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
