it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
this just has baby written all over it
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
