Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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