Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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