My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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