When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
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