if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
