It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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