weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
