My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Boobs speak an international language.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
