Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
