Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
