I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
