Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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