she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
