Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
