I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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