I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
