he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
