the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
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