I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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