An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
