Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Every concussion has its silver lining
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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