a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
