Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
