please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
