i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
