I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
