For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
